I Whip My Tail Back and Forth

In elementary school I convinced myself that I was a dinosaur and spent most recesses on all fours with my neck outstretched and my leg dragging behind me like a tail. My favorite species were the herbivorous, even-tempered sauropods [i.e. Little Foot from The Land Before Time]. I couldn't even fathom eating any of my dinosaur friends so I mostly spent my time mediating fights between others and putting leaves in my mouth.

Real life, where I was decidedly a meat eater, was much different. My mother loves telling a story from when I was six years old. She had roasted a chicken for dinner but as soon as I sat down at the dinner table I allegedly declared that it was way too small and refused to eat it. I don't really know how much of this story is truth and how much of it is a passive aggressive attempt to make me feel self-conscious about my weight.

I have no ethical reservations about eating meat because I'm pretty sure if chickens were 100 times bigger they would probably eat us without any hesitation. And if this doesn't soften the guilt murdering helpless animals, you can always shop for a free-range, organic, suicidal pork loin at Whole Foods Market.

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Roasted Ribeye

Ribeye 5-6 lbs

Garlic

Onion

Celery

4 Tablespoons Salt

1 Tablespoon Pepper

1 Tablespoon Rosemary

1 Tablespoon Thyme

The day before you plan on cooking the meat, season it with 3 tablespoons of salt and 1 tablespoon of pepper. Refrigerate overnight and take it out about 2 hours before baking so the meat can come up to room temperature.

 

I could eat this by myself.

Before roasting, make several shallow incisions on the surface and smother the entire slab with one tablespoon of thyme, one tablespoon of rosemary, 5 cloves of garlic, and one more tablespoon of salt. [Does anybody else intensely dislike the words "smother" and "slab"?] This may seem like a lot of salt but you have to season the outside heavily since the meat is very thick. Also, I like my food really salty and will probably die of high blood pressure.

Roast the ribeye for half an hour at 450 degrees to form a crust around the meat that will seal in the juices.

Surround the ribeye with two celery stalks and one sliced onion. Return the ribeye to the oven, now at 350 degrees and roast for about 2 more hours.

 

For a medium rare finish, cook to an internal temperate of about 135 degrees. Remove and let rest for 10 minutes. The temperature will continue to rise about 5 degrees even after it's been removed from the oven. Do not worry if this happens, your meat is not possessed.

 

I ate this by myself.

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As with most of my phases, I didn't really outgrow loving dinosaurs, it just became socially unacceptable to continue roaring at people and whipping my tail back and forth in public. I still hold long-necks near and dear to my heart, but I must admit that I've grown up to be much more of a sharp-tooth [i.e. Chomper from The Land Before Time II] with my love for meat, my nasty disposition, and my feeble arms.